The Transition is Hard

It’s 75ºF at 5:30pm as I sit in my bean bag chair, eagerly awaiting yet another peaceful, beautiful sunset. I’m not sure what I expected at this point transitioning into a new lifestyle.

Despite folks repeatedly telling me how relaxed I look, I’m not sure I completely feel what they suggest they’re saying. It must be true…at least, I must be way more relaxed than I presented when I was working full-forced at Apple in Cupertino. However, I’d be lying if I told you I felt completely relaxed. Why? What’s going on? Where did I think I’d be in terms of my mental health sitting at Great Harbour Cay in the Bahamas at the end of January?

Clearly, I had a lot of expectations. Winding down my employment at Apple has been far harder than I ever anticipated it would be. I did expect some of the feelings that I’m having, but I guess I didn’t think they’d be so pronounced. It’s tough. After working nearly 18 years at Apple, I don’t know why I think I’d be able to unwind in a few months or less. I’ve spent my entire career at Apple and prior literally killing myself, giving everything I could to the company that fed my family.

It’s so very tough to be working right now. Despite my best efforts of setting expectations to my management and with myself, I find it so very hard to walk the line of earning my paycheck and putting in the 100% I’m accustomed to giving my employer and completely divorcing myself from all that I work on. I don’t know how to do it. I’ve not had to do it before. To be fair, I’m very gracious that Apple has provided this opportunity. I don’t want to leave on a bad note.

I suspect that once April comes, I’m going to go through yet another phase of this lifestyle change. No paycheck. Nothing to schedule may day around other than what I want to do. Until then, I find myself teetering between eagerly anticipating April yet trying to remember to live in the moment and appreciate now for what now is.